Get Off My Lawn

I can't tell if he's laughing or crying.

This Was No Man Cold Part 1

I never get sick. Ever. I don’t get colds or the flu. I’ve never had a broken bone and I’ve never been in a car accident, and until just recently, when I had Fester evicted from my back, I’d never even had stitches. And this is good because my mind has had plenty of ailments from the day I was born. To me this is an even trade-off.

I am quick to scoff at health warnings in that way the untouched can be arrogant and take the good fortune of health for granted. The year was 2009. The warning was regarding the H1N1 flu strain. The people most likely to come down with this wicked strain are the quite healthy youngish men who do not normally get sick. I furrowed my brow at the warning and thought, “I’m not a baby. I won’t get this thing because my body simply won’t allow it.” I have tiger blood and my organs are made of airplane back box material. Even my pee can eat through porcelain–thus the stainless steel prison-style toilet at home. My blood, if rubbed on the eyes of the blind, can make them see again, and if my tears are collected during a full moon they can cure leprosy. My eyelashes are ground up and sold in China for vast sums as a cure for baldness and impotence. So a flu strain was hardly cause for me to cower. If this flu comes near me, I will turn it over my knee, spank it, and send it to bed with no supper.

She makes a good point.

She makes a good point.

I did consider getting the vaccine, though. I was curious about whether a needle could penetrate my skin. But I never got the chance. I work in a group home and part of my shift is an overnight sleep shift. I awoke at work about 4 a.m. My body was wide awake and on high alert. I didn’t feel sick but I knew something was wrong. I could sense it. I had a buzzing feeling all over. Even my hair felt strange. I got up and made coffee, did a bit of paperwork and then got the guys up and finished my shift. I took the bus home. It was a cloudy day with low-hanging clouds that make the world feel a little claustrophobic, and a light rain had begun to fall.

If this doctor were real I'd want to be his best friend.

If this doctor were real, I’d want to be his best friend.

Just a few blocks from home the fever started to hit me and my throat felt weird. And then the bus broke down. I had never had this happen before, but I was grateful I was a short distance from home. I walked gingerly as my body felt increasingly strange. I now recognize that I was getting sick, but I had almost no point of reference for such a thing so I just kept asking myself, “What in the fuckity fuck is going on?” I made it into the apartment and was in pretty bad shape by then.  I wasn’t sure what to do so I waited to see what would happen next. And so began over a week of intense illness that had me weeping and scared. Really scared.

Part 2 coming soon.

 

 

Categories: Humour, Personal

Tags: , , , , , ,

38 replies

  1. I really enjoyed your fanciful hyperbole in describing your robust health. I am the opposite of you.Choking on my jealousy could probably result in pneumonia or at the very least, some bronchitis. I’m happy for you, but I feel like Part 2 will result in some humbling reassurance that you’re not immortal.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks. Oh yes. Any arrogance I had was decimated in those two weeks. Maybe you will reach a period in your life when you have little or no sickness?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, thanks. I’ve long assumed in the afterlife I’ll be well. I have always been this way, although my late 20’s were the least sickly.
        One of my nephews got that H1N1, and he did fit the description of healthy young men who were rarely ill. He was down for 5 days.
        I didn’t get it. I just worried about getting it 😉

        Liked by 2 people

  2. You are not the first man I have run across whose descriptions of their superhuman immune strength wax poetic. I will admit to being somewhat gleeful when some tiny little microbe takes them down…. Provided they survive.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am right in line with all anticipating Part 2, but I am also stuck on this line: ” Even my pee can eat through porcelain–thus the stainless steel prison-style toilet at home.” Showing off your creative writing skills or really, truly real? Were you living in a converted jail by chance?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You work in a group home and didn’t get a flu shot? Especially in the year of the H1N1 pandemic? Okay, I’ll withhold judgment for now, since you got so sick and all, but next time I might not be so lenient… 😉

    In all seriousness, H1N1 was terrible. So many people sick. They had to pull some of us to the ER to help see patients, they were so swamped.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I was going to get the vaccine that day. I literally got this thing almost as soon as it was announced. I had no time. I couldn’t even figure out how I got it because I knew no one who had it and I did not think I was around anything that may have exposed me. But then I remember that I live across from the University Hospital and I am always around health care workers who walk around my building and various shops and restaurants in their scrubs. Fortunately, no one at the group home got sick.

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  5. But I was kind of rolling my eyes at getting the vaccine but I did think I should get it. Later that month the lineups were such that people had to wait 8 hours and lots of clinics ran out.

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  6. Tiger blood, eh? Just noticed a warning for a new outbreak of Middle Eastern something (that’s the technical term) when coming through immigration yesterday. Just another excuse not to have ISIS parties… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. What a time for the bus to break down! I got a fluish thing just after Xmas and I still feel sluggish~

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve always felt like I/we have some of that tiger blood. We’ve only had flu once in over 40 years, and of course, we both got it at the same time. Misery. Now that I’ve said that out loud, or on here, I need to go away quietly and not tempt the fates !! ☺ Feel better, John.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. If you weren’t writing a part two, I’d assume that you are a real life Peter Parker and were bitten by a radioactive spider.

    You and I are opposites on the health stuff. I get colds and stuff all the time. They call me Sniffles McGee from October to April, then Swamp Ass McGee from May to September.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh no! I hope you are feeling better by now!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Laughing out loud. Not at your illness but at the colorful way you’ve told the story so far. Looking forward to part 2. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I can sympathize. Chuck Norris used to call me for health tips, now I won’t even listen to myself. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Oh Lord, man-flu is the worst. I nearly killed my husband the last time he had it.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Lived to tell the story, lucky man. I get my flu shots every september because of two close calls in my youth. We all learn hard way.

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  15. Ah I’m so sorry you were sick!! I was sick sooooo much as a child so am just used to getting the flu/cold. Actually getting a cold ends up making my auto immune issues less intense so I end up really happy to have the cold! I really love the way you describe how amazing all your body parts are- really hilarious!!! ‘My eyelashes are ground up and sold in China for vast sums as a cure for baldness and impotence.’ Heheheheh!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. wow……….lemmie check what happened in part two!

    Like

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