Get Off My Lawn

I can't tell if he's laughing or crying.

It’s A Boy!

So this past Wednesday I had a sebaceous cyst removed from the middle of my back. I’d had this thing, this squatter fetus which I took to calling Fester, for eight years. I was told it would be a quick procedure taking maybe fifteen or twenty minutes. It actually took about an hour. What the doctor cut out was just a bit smaller than a golf ball. He said the cyst was far bigger than he initially thought it would be, and the procedure more complicated. What was visible on the surface of my back was only the tip of the iceberg.

How the hell would you put a diaper on this thing?

How the hell would you put a diaper on this thing?

The incision was cauterized and stitched and the doctor said I have a hell of a cavity left where Fester once lived. When I got off the table, the nurse showed me Fester in all his glory and I was shocked at the size. I couldn’t believe that such a giant ball of infection had been living inside me for so long. The doctor said he had to do a lot of cutting as Fester was very fibrous and had many roots.

I took a picture of Fester,  but I won’t post it as it’s graphic and ugly and I see no need to induce you guys to vomit. I was giddy with amazement, though.

“Can I keep it?” I asked hopefully.

“No, no,” the doctor replied. “We’ll need to have it looked at by the lab to make sure it’s not cancerous or has anything concerning.” My face fell a little at this bad news. I looked longingly at Fester in the clear plastic specimen container.

“Do you want to show your wife?” the nurse asked cheerily.

“Oh yes, I do. I really do.” This was turning out to be a great day.

I put my shirt on and accompanied the nurse to the waiting room. She carried out the bottle with Fester inside, and in front of the whole room I announced, “Sweetie, it’s a boy!”

“Oh God,” said my wife, Maureen, as she put down her magazine.

“Do you want to look?” the nurse asked her.

And because she has a bit of normal in her, Maureen said that no, it was too gross, but then the woman I love cropped up and she said, “Okay, okay, I’ll look at it.” She was amazed and horrified.

I wanted to take a picture of Maureen with Fester but that’s where both my wife and the nurse drew the line.

“That would probably be too much,” said the nurse as she carried Fester away.

The hole in my back is healing nicely, but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a tiny hole in my heart. Fester was ugly, but he was mine.

Categories: Humour, Non-Fiction

Tags: , , , , ,

102 replies

  1. That is such a cute story. Sorry you had to leave little Fester behind. (Big Fester?) Glad you are healing nicely.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Mazel Tov John, and thanks for sharing and for not sharing… Seriously though glad your procedure went well!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Wow. I feel so…nauseated, I think is the word. I’m sorry you didn’t get to keep your cyst.
    That photo was really tops!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Cigars all round! Before you know it, he’ll be dating beautiful little tumors. We’re all so proud 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hope you continue to heal and don’t miss him too much;)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I want to see the picture of that sucker! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Call me weird, but I want to see it.

    Too bad you don’t have a selfie stick. You could’ve gotten one of you, Fester, the doc, nurse, and your wife all in one shot. Use it for your holiday card in a few months. “Tis the season to be…holy shit, my eyes!!!”

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Congratulations on your healthy boy and for the first male to undergo a C-section. Wish you would have posted a pic, but I understand that not all of your readers are as freakishly into gross disgusting things…Hope all continues to heal well and quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Haha, you’re killing me here. This post should be sent to your dermatologist (or surgeon–whoever did the procedure). He’d get a kick out of it for sure. Give him something for doctors’ lounge talk. Maybe he’d even post it on their bulletin board. Just think, Fester could be a star. Well, posthumously, anyway.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. I’m trying to eat my lunch. I’m with your wife on this one. Get well soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Congratulations and my condolences (for the gaping void Fester has left behind)…is it bad that I really do want to see the picture?

    Liked by 1 person

  12. R.I.P. Fester. And..please don’t send the picture. ☺

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Did you stay awake during the procedure? Gads, they would have had to knock me out! Enjoy your freedom – I have a feeling Fester would have grown up to be a handful!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Fester is really your twin. Did he have teeth and a spinal cord?

    Ugh. I want to vomit in my coffee cup.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Congratulations! I bet your Fester didn’t look as cute as the misleading image you adorned your post with. A golf ball! Good grief! He was not a baby but a pain in the… back. Wish you a speedy recovery!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I’m walking down the hallway, leaving work, reading this post, stopping, laughing, taking a few steps, stopping again to read more, laughing. It wasn’t hysteria – I didn’t work that late. It was your posted reflection of a special day that will go down in history.
    And, to any of you that found this disgusting… Suck it up! Haha!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Just be happy it wasn’t in your ass.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Your next step would be to declare Fester as dependent on your taxes.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. We’d have to put a trigger warning on that post. I’ve had my ears cleaned before, several times, and the stuff that comes out is really something. Black and disgusting. You could have made a candle with all that came out.

    Like

  20. I’m glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself, John! Oh my, no no no pictures for me. Although you might be surprised to know that I have a cool specimen at home. One of my children we shall go unnamed, was born with a true knot in the umbilical cord. When my husband and I were offered it to take home, it felt wrong to say no. So it sits in a small glass container in alcohol in a cabinet having made many moves. When my final day comes and they’re clearing out my stuff, imagine that find 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I’m kind of impressed that the nurse would suggest this.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Hope your healing is going well. Your blog looks different. Changed the theme?

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Your wife could be my new best friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Eww lol. Glad ur healing well. I have one the size of a nickel on my scalp. I always had it since I was a kid n was told it was a birthmark. It’s hidden by my hair n only time I think of it is at the hairdresser. I asked about having it removed but they would have to shave a part of my head. Not really a good look for me lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Glad all went well . You and your wife are hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. There was this movie–can’t recall the name–where protagonist has a boil on his shoulder that grows bigger and bigger and eventually turns into a second head that eventually takes over his body—“how to get ahead in advertising.” Forgive me for warning you thusly: you’d better watch your, um, back.

    Liked by 1 person

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