Get Off My Lawn

I can't tell if he's laughing or crying.

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

So Sunday was my birthday (I’ll pause while the audience cheers), and I celebrated by watching The Giver, a movie so horrible it was comical. We have some friends over for a “bad movie night” once every couple of months. Our one friend is like one of those pigs that finds truffles in the forest, except his talent is finding really shitty movies.

The Giver

About halfway through the movie, I could smell something rotten. It was just a hint here and there but it was present. At first I thought that listening to a bearded Jeff Bridges mumble through an affected underbite while holding hands with a teenage boy in a room that was borrowed from the set of Lemony Snicket was actually causing a phantom stink. Or maybe I was going to have a seizure.

I went to the bathroom. I took off my shorts and underwear. Maybe in the excitement of pizza and cake and friends I had accidentally shit my pants. It could happen. I was having a lot of fun and maybe my bowels loosened as I laughed. But no, my drawers were free of fecal matter. It was hot that day so I checked my pits and they were also in good shape. Mmmm, Irish Spring. This is proving to be a tough case to crack, I thought to myself as I stood pantsless in my bathroom.

That’s when it dawned me. I pulled off my shirt and took a grand inhalation of the backside and immediately dry heaved. Fester. You dirty bastard. I have a sebaceous cyst on my back. I’ve had it for years and I’ve taken to calling it Fester as it has grown big and strong over the years. I’m scheduled to have it removed on July 29th as it refuses to pay rent and I will not abide a freeloader. But on the night of my birthday, the son of a bitch started leaking. And what it leaked smelled like Satan had taken a dump after binging on rotten taco meat and drinking curdled milk.

I washed my back and dried it. I didn’t want to change my shirt because then I’d have to return to the living room and explain that due my suppurating wound, I had soiled my clothes and needed to change. I didn’t think that was appropriate birthday talk. So I spritzed just enough cologne to cover up the rot and was then able to rejoin the birthday hilarity.

After our guests left I explained to Maureen what had happened and she said, “I was wondering what you were doing in there.” Then she paused and said, “You have to write a blog post about this.”

So here we are.

Categories: Humour

Tags: , , , ,

65 replies

  1. Freeloaders are total jackasses who do obnoxious things at the most inopportune times. I’m glad you’re evicting that parasite.

    So…your friends would have noticed a shirt change, but not that you’d taken a bath around in Jai Karate?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I see your wife is just as hilarious as you are (lol)
    Happy belated birthday! (mine was july 6)
    Hope the procedure goes well…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Let me tell you about cutting into an infected one that was 70 years old (it had been alive for 70, its host was 96). It was large. It spurted against the wall. Took weeks for that stench (which is exactly how you described it) to clear out of the room. Good times. Thank for the memories! (And happy belated birthday!!!)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Happy birthday!! I hate that it is belated, but since I did not know your birthday it couldn’t be helped this year 🙂 I’m happy to hear you’re giving Fester the walking papers, and also that you did not shit your pants on your birthday.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m happy I read this after lunch. It’s a written form of appetite suppression. Although, come to think of it, that could come in handy. Maybe I’ll bookmark this post for a quick read whenever I decide to dig into a huge piece of cake or a big bowl of ice cream.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Great. Now I have a new malady I’m convinced I’m going to end up with by the end of the week.

    Happy Birthday!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hahaha…I was also thinking the friends probably noticed you now smelled like something nasty had bathed in cologne, but wasn’t gonna say it until I saw someone else did. 😄 And happy belated birthday. I’m guessing Maureen probably wanted you to bathe, or at least put on a clean shirt before the birthday spankings commenced.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Happy Belated to you, John. And….ewww. Glad you can get that taken care of….not a welcome visitor at all. 😝 😞 😠 😡

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Oh dear – I thought I had the worst birthday disaster story – on my fortieth birthday I sat on a bee. Entered up sitting in a cold bath all day!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. That is sooooo funny. You’ll love being rid of Fester!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This is an odd way to tell us about your birthday. I’m guessing you aren’t making this up. And I want to become Maureen’s best friend. I feel so sorry for you! Ewwwww yet told in a funny way. The end of your unwanted guest is near…..and Happy Birthday!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Ew. My dog got those sebaceous cysts all the time when we lived down south — and she hasn’t had a single one since we moved here! Anyway, I was given little syringes to poke into them and drain them and no, she didn’t always sit still, and yes, I’ve been SPRAYED with the pus, and yes, it smells disgusting! You poor thing!

    PS: We liked The Giver. Of course, we had all read the book and loved it as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Well, I hope Fester gets taken care of once and for all on the 29th.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. OMG, that’s hilarious! And sad! And Happy Birthday!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. John, I took Victo up on her challenge to check out this post. It did not disappoint one bit. My only regret for you is that, as Fester is noted to be on your back, you won’t have the pleasure of actually witnessing his demise. Get someone to take pictures…maybe they could turn into a coffee table book in case the next crappy movie night is a dud. Best to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. That’s really got to be rather good cologne, considering.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. How selfish of you not to share with your friends. Unfortunate that you found it. You could have been a complete pariah by now.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I am late learning about this. Is there going to be a memorial ? A farewell speech? Is Victo removing it for you?

    Like

  19. Happy belated birthday! What a bloody gift you got 😦 Good luck with your operation!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. lol, hilarious post!! The Giver was seriously a terrible movie, I loved the book though!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Happy belated, buddy – thought it didn’t sound too happy. I’m not sure which to bring up first – the dramatic freeloader I hope you’ve bid good riddance to without further ado or the undramatic movie. We’re talking about the movie based on the middle-grade book by Lois Lowry, right? The book was aMAzing, one of the best I’ve read that adults should get their hands on. I almost never watch the movie version. Bleah.

    Liked by 1 person

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