So Sunday was my birthday (I’ll pause while the audience cheers), and I celebrated by watching The Giver, a movie so horrible it was comical. We have some friends over for a “bad movie night” once every couple of months. Our one friend is like one of those pigs that finds truffles in the forest, except his talent is finding really shitty movies.
About halfway through the movie, I could smell something rotten. It was just a hint here and there but it was present. At first I thought that listening to a bearded Jeff Bridges mumble through an affected underbite while holding hands with a teenage boy in a room that was borrowed from the set of Lemony Snicket was actually causing a phantom stink. Or maybe I was going to have a seizure.
I went to the bathroom. I took off my shorts and underwear. Maybe in the excitement of pizza and cake and friends I had accidentally shit my pants. It could happen. I was having a lot of fun and maybe my bowels loosened as I laughed. But no, my drawers were free of fecal matter. It was hot that day so I checked my pits and they were also in good shape. Mmmm, Irish Spring. This is proving to be a tough case to crack, I thought to myself as I stood pantsless in my bathroom.
That’s when it dawned me. I pulled off my shirt and took a grand inhalation of the backside and immediately dry heaved. Fester. You dirty bastard. I have a sebaceous cyst on my back. I’ve had it for years and I’ve taken to calling it Fester as it has grown big and strong over the years. I’m scheduled to have it removed on July 29th as it refuses to pay rent and I will not abide a freeloader. But on the night of my birthday, the son of a bitch started leaking. And what it leaked smelled like Satan had taken a dump after binging on rotten taco meat and drinking curdled milk.
I washed my back and dried it. I didn’t want to change my shirt because then I’d have to return to the living room and explain that due my suppurating wound, I had soiled my clothes and needed to change. I didn’t think that was appropriate birthday talk. So I spritzed just enough cologne to cover up the rot and was then able to rejoin the birthday hilarity.
After our guests left I explained to Maureen what had happened and she said, “I was wondering what you were doing in there.” Then she paused and said, “You have to write a blog post about this.”
So here we are.