Get Off My Lawn

I can't tell if he's laughing or crying.

Bird on Boy Violence: A Story of Survival and Triumph

The other day I was talking to joeyfullystated about flying critters that attack, so I thought I’d write about my brush with bird rage.

It was a humid day in mid-August. I was probably about nine or ten, riding my heavy framed, red, CCM, no-speed bike (a bike with gears was for rich kids) down by the railroad tracks, minding my own business.

I had about a one-second warning; the hair on the back of my neck stood on end just before the attack commenced. A big red-winged blackbird swooped down on my head like a kamikaze pilot on meth and dug her feet/talons into my scalp and began pecking my head. Really hard. This bird was drilling my skull as though her last meal might be buried in my cranium.

Bird attack

I. Was. Terrified. And it hurt. I jumped/fell off my bike and began swatting at the demon, but she merely had to fly away. She was also screaming at me. I don’t speak bird but I could understand that she was pissed about something. I wanted to say, “Your outrage is manufactured, good madam, for I have committed no transgression.” But I was ten so what really came out was: “Aaahhhh! Fuck off you shit bird asshole bitch.” As I swung wild, impotent haymakers, she continued to swoop and dive, claw and peck, and I could not figure out what the hell to do. As soon as I jumped on my bike and began peddling, she took advantage of my unprotected head. So I alternated, peddling for as long as I could stand and then jumping off my bike to swat, spit, and throw some rocks–but it was all for nought.

After what felt like a day and a half but was probably more like ten minutes, I managed to bike out of range. I pedalled hard for a good while and then stopped and looked back. She was nowhere in sight. I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair. I was bloody and bruised but I had survived. The day was mine after all.

Now I am here to share my story of survival and to let others know that if you’re ten, riding a red bike by some train tracks, and are attacked by a mother bird likely protecting her nest, then you are not alone. And it is possible to survive, and even flourish after, such bird on boy (or girl) violence.

Categories: Humour

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62 replies

  1. That’s really strange she attacked you like that. Did you cover your head in sweet nectar or something? Too bad you didn’t have a helmet on. That would’ve shown her.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I haven’t been attacked by a bird, but my cat is constantly buzz-bombed by this mama mocking bird who is fierce about protecting the entire block.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This was the inspiration for Daphne du Maurier’s story I bet.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can only imagine your trauma!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow. That’s really weird. I’ve seen birds swoop in and create a racket, but never actually make contact with a person (on purpose), You remind me that a Cooper’s hawk BUZZED MY HEAD earlier in the Spring. He wasn’t going after me so much as I stood in his flight path. I didn’t see him till he passed; I felt him go directly over my hat.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Wow, blackbirds are generally not aggressive. We have wild turkeys who fly into a rage when they see red.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. That sounds horrible! I am not a fan of birds. I once got a bird stuck in my shirt. It flew in through the arm hole (I must have been gesturing like an Italian grandmother while talking) and then it was just flapping around inside my shirt. My mother was laughing hysterically as I was freaking out on the porch. I was little and so was the bird but that isn’t the point, I’ve been wary of birds ever since!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. That’s SO crazy!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Your ordeal wouldn’t have happened if you’d only had some food crumbs. Be prepared next time.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. do you now have a fear of birds? I know that I do not like them flying right over head after I was at a friend’s house and she let her bird out of its cage and it came flying straight at my head. Since I have a disability, I didn’t see the lunatic creature flying until I heard a set of evil flapping wings in a menacing rush towards my unsuspecting face and head. I screamed, and sat motionless for a while and I’m sure all my friends had a good laugh over that one.

    I enjoy hearing birds in the distance, sometimes but anything else, no way. I don’t like June bugs either, they make this creepy humming noise as they fly around your head and it freaks me out.

    I should write a blog post about how easily I get freaked out by some of the craziest things sometime.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You know strangely enough I don’t have a fear of birds. You would think an incident like this would make me develop a fear. But I am terrified of bees or more precicesly wasps and yellow jackets. I’ve been stung a few times and hate them. Like kill their children while they watch kind of hate.

      Like

  11. I confess, I sent that bird after you using the time machine I invented yesterday.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This is crazy! Like childhood can’t be difficult enough, you are attacked by a bird. I work with a guy who is phobic about birds. I will never tell him about this blog post. He’d freak out. I bet you right, though, and the bird was protecting its young.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Some story! We don’t have them in Europe, I guess. Once I attempted to follow a red winged blackbird to take a picture, but my daughter warned me to not to because they attack humans. So, they have a reputation.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I love (most) birds and can’t imagine this happening to me! Yikes! The closest I came was getting in the path of a turkey vulture…that things looked HUGE! And as I type, a mama northern mockingbird is dive-bombing at my cat who is completely baffled..what the…?

    Liked by 2 people

  15. you’re killing me.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Thanks for thinking of me!

    Like

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  1. Casey 1, Mockingbird 0 | joeyfullystated

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