Get Off My Lawn

I can't tell if he's laughing or crying.

You Can’t Fight City Hall

For anyone new to this blog, I’ll fill you in on what’s been going on in my life. Due to my massive following of about 150 people, I had decided it was time to take it to the next level and fulfill a lifelong dream of becoming a cult leader. You can catch up by clicking the links. Or not.

So last week I went to city hall and asked, politely, if I could please get a permit for a cult. Though I plan on breaking all sorts of laws and cultural mores, I’d like the launch of our (and by “our” I mean “my”) cult to at least get off to a smooth start. I had the notion that maybe the Mayor or at least a couple of city councillors would attend the opening. Maybe even a photo op of a ribbon-cutting ceremony. I have big dreams.

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Well, I was practically laughed out of the glass pyramid that is our city hall. Jeremy, an insolent peon with a bad comb-over and a moustache that looked like a sickly caterpillar clinging to his lip for dear life, told me, smirking, that no such permit exists. My fury rose up in me and I was never so desperate to have a cowering flock on which to vent my rage. Jeremy then closed his window and put up a sign in chicken scratch: “Gone for lunch.”

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“May your computer be afflicted with a thousand viruses, Jeremy. From this day forth you are a sworn enemy of me and my minions,” I yelled. I may have even shaken my fist. Man, I really need to work on my curses.

The bugger did not even turn around but just gave a dismissive wave as walked back to an inner sanctum of cubicles where he no doubt would be having a bag lunch of tuna sandwiches.

“May the bread of your tuna sandwich be soggy, Jeremy.” Ugh! Now this was getting embarrassing.

I stood simmering and red faced, filled with impotent rage. I now know your pain, Martin Luther King. I too have a dream.

I sincerely hope you guys are appreciating all the work I’m doing. I wonder if there’s some sort of support group where I could talk to other potential cult leaders who could understand the work I’m doing. It’s lonely at the top.

Categories: Humour

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52 replies

  1. I never realized it’s so hard to start a cult. I think here, you just apply for a tax id # and then non-profit status. Of course, I’d just start with seduction of all the people, getting them to perform acts of service for me, and then slowly move them into relinquishment of property and finances. I guess your cult would be more official and better organized than mine, hm?

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I do appreciate all your hard work but I’m beginning to wonder if you’re the best man for this job. Those curses really are kind of weak. I think to be a cult leader you really have to have a lot of imagination and desire to thoroughly annihilate your foes.

    You could consult some Holy Writ for advice about how to call bears down from the mountains or perhaps zap people with lightning. I’m sure if you consulted with a leader from any other cult you could find commiseration.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I too have my doubts. I mean if I can’t even strike fear in the heart of a man like Jeremy how am I going to control a group of peple through fear and intimidation? I suppose all great men have had their doubts though. Oh, and please don’t question my ability again in front of the others. For their sake as much as anyones.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Okay. You’re right. I should have offered up some suggestions. Don’t be part of the problem, be part of the solution, so to speak.

        May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your bed!

        May all your hair fall out!

        May your children be born naked!

        There! Take that Jeremy!!! No one disrespects our cult leader that way!

        Liked by 3 people

      • Though my visage is stern and cross my heart is smiling. Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, I hate to break it to you, but if you can’t even get the city hall peon to follow your wishes, success as a cult leader may not be in your future. Perhaps there’s a class you can take…

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I KNOW! Have one of those “sweat lodges” like they did in Sedona, Arizona where some followers even died rather than disappoint their leader! You could invite those weaklings from City Hall. You know I’ll be there!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I thought you were a cult leader. Not enough followers, yet? They not fanatical enough?I don’t worry about followings.

    Like

  6. I’m sorry John, but no cult leader worth his salt would be going through this hassle. You need to adapt a Jedi mentality. Specifically, Yoda’s. Do or do not. There is no try. So, are you a cult leader or aren’t you? Believe in yourself and and they will come. As in follow you. Not dirty stuff. Unless you want a dirty cult.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hahaha. Okay, that was funny and encouraging. The dirty stuff will come once I’m completely corrupted with power. I’m really going to try and believe in myself. Maybe I’ll start reciting some affirmations in front of the mirror. And maybe do some dirty stuff.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. My suggestion is that you get into your Cult-Mobile, grab your bullhorn and circle the courthouse singing “we shall overcome.” How could they possibly resist!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. So does this mean we’re in limbo? Or are we still moving forward?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Who’s Jeremy? I need to know so I stay away from him.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I know what you need. An attorney!! And it just so happens that I am one. And I’m willing to assist you for a small percentage of the loot, I mean the contributions, you rake in from your followers.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Ohhh, man….too funny!! Bread on your tuna sandwhich always be soggy?!?! That’s just mean….very mean =)

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Well, did you wear the light blue cult leader t-shirt or the red robe? You may need to up your first impression.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. “I now know your pain, Martin Luther King. I too have a dream.”
    LOL.

    One of my fav here, JC. Love how you’re stretching. I quite like the cursing. Nice and literary (even spiritual). LOL.

    Lonely at the top, eh? The higher you go the more folks wanna bring you down. I’d better keep my bullet-proof vest on. Learn from King Jr.

    May your dreams of cult divinity come true.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. There is promise yet. Everyone say hello to the newest follower of this cult! I’m all in. Lead us oh fearful master…

    Liked by 1 person

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