Get Off My Lawn

I can't tell if he's laughing or crying.

Starting a Cult: Update

As many of you know, ever since I had attained 150 followers (no, that is not a typo), a staggering number by any measure, I thought it only fitting that I should start a cult. This has been a lifelong dream of mine, the seed of which was planted at the age of eight when I convinced a classmate that if she closed her eyes and opened her mouth, she would get a surprise. In this case it was a fluff dandelion. She complied, and I was bitten by the demigod bug. Since then I have endeavoured to master and control the actions of my fellow man.

Sadly, some of my readers didn’t take this seriously. Some of you wanted to choose your own garments, requesting tailored fits and flattering colours; others asked for certain food and drink. I won’t call anyone out specifically, but you know who you are. This is not how a cult is run. I am to be feared, loved, loathed, and feared again. I want to issue nonsensical edicts: shampoo is the devil’s soap, only racoons are allowed as house pets, all chairs are forbidden, dog dancing is the official (and only) sport. These are just some brainstorming ideas, but the point is that I’ll decide because it’s my cult. Okay? Please don’t make me cross.

These are okay but they don't really say "Pow! We are a cult!"

These are okay but they don’t really say “Pow! We are a cult!”

Now this is more like it. I am the one in red.

My research has led me to a place that is entirely suited to our needs. North Korea has a secret (well, I guess not-so-secret) statue factory. The Mansudae Art Studio employs (conscripts) 4000 of North Korea’s most talented artisans to design portraits, sculptures, fountains, and statues for the world’s most vain—and aesthetically inclined—dictators. Most of their contracts come from Africa.

I’ve looked at the numbers and I figure $26 million should get our foot in the door. I’m thinking we’ll start with my portrait in every home—me in a singlet bare knuckle boxing a bear. And maybe a 40-foot-tall bronze statue of me lifting a wagon full of laughing children over my head as parents clap and cheer me on.

This might work. The muscles would need to much bigger though. And of course I'll be lifting a wagon full of those kiddies.

This might work. The muscles would need to be much bigger though. And of course I’ll be lifting a wagon full of those kiddies.

So who’s with me? Who wants to help build a dream?

Categories: Humour

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99 replies

  1. Will we have to shave our heads, wear white robes and solicit funds at the airport while chanting your name? ; )

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hahaha I’m ready to stand alongside you. I think I was ready the first time too. How much of that total will I be responsible for? I have a piggy bank.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m going to start a cult with the sole purpose to oppose your cult. It will be called G.I. Joe.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Is “close your eyes, open your mouth and you’ll get a surprise” a line you use often?

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m in! Can’t wait to get started. Will tell my husband about it tonight!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Will you protect us from the zombies?

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m working on my dog dancing now, my cult master.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Will I be exempt from paying income taxes? What are the holidays? Can I call them off for work? Do I get a discount at my local cult garb department store or Wal-Mart? Do we have a yearly retreat?

    Liked by 2 people

    • All good questions. Hahahaha. I like the idea of a discount for cult garb. The rest I’ll need to work out and address in a future blog post. But, of course, we won’t pay taxes, as we only recognize the government of me.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow! This is a life long dream of mine too. But I would totally give up my dream in support of yours, as long as I retain the rights to write a novel about it and have the opportunity to film at least one dog dance.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Where can I send all my Monet?

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Can I be wife #@? If the cult fails, we’re sure to get picked up as a reality show!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Sorry, I can’t. I’m going to start my own cult and declare war on your cult. I’ll start by spreading false rumors about you that will cause your members to flock to me, and then I’ll just paintball the hell out of whoever is left standing.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m in charge of Kool-aid!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m not joining unless you identify the date that shall be THE END TIMES!!!!!!! And, of course, you have to take all my money. Unless you’re going to do those two things, I’m thinking this is a sham.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahahaha. Nothing gets by you. Of course I’ll take all your money. But the date of the END TIMES has not been revealed to me just yet. Or I may have missed it. I’ve been awfully busy starting this cult. It will be revealed again (I hope).


  15. I’ll be happy to count the money as it comes in. Mathematicians are very good at that.

    Liked by 1 person


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