As many of you know, ever since I had attained 150 followers (no, that is not a typo), a staggering number by any measure, I thought it only fitting that I should start a cult. This has been a lifelong dream of mine, the seed of which was planted at the age of eight when I convinced a classmate that if she closed her eyes and opened her mouth, she would get a surprise. In this case it was a fluff dandelion. She complied, and I was bitten by the demigod bug. Since then I have endeavoured to master and control the actions of my fellow man.
Sadly, some of my readers didn’t take this seriously. Some of you wanted to choose your own garments, requesting tailored fits and flattering colours; others asked for certain food and drink. I won’t call anyone out specifically, but you know who you are. This is not how a cult is run. I am to be feared, loved, loathed, and feared again. I want to issue nonsensical edicts: shampoo is the devil’s soap, only racoons are allowed as house pets, all chairs are forbidden, dog dancing is the official (and only) sport. These are just some brainstorming ideas, but the point is that I’ll decide because it’s my cult. Okay? Please don’t make me cross.
My research has led me to a place that is entirely suited to our needs. North Korea has a secret (well, I guess not-so-secret) statue factory. The Mansudae Art Studio employs (conscripts) 4000 of North Korea’s most talented artisans to design portraits, sculptures, fountains, and statues for the world’s most vain—and aesthetically inclined—dictators. Most of their contracts come from Africa.
I’ve looked at the numbers and I figure $26 million should get our foot in the door. I’m thinking we’ll start with my portrait in every home—me in a singlet bare knuckle boxing a bear. And maybe a 40-foot-tall bronze statue of me lifting a wagon full of laughing children over my head as parents clap and cheer me on.
So who’s with me? Who wants to help build a dream?