Get Off My Lawn

I can't tell if he's laughing or crying.

My Wife Scares Me

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I love a good scare. Or, more accurately, I love to give a good scare. For the length of our marriage, something my wife and I have done consistently is scare the shit out of each other. We often do this while or after watching a horror movie. But the trick to keeping things effective is to make it a seldom and random experience.

My preferred method of affliction is to stand statue-still in a dark room and either jump out at my wife as she passes by or make a sudden jerky movement. This is effective in that when she gets that feeling she saw something out of the corner of her eye, and then quickly dismisses that feeling, she’s terrified when I make my sudden jerky movements. On occasion, if the setting is right I’ll stand completely still hugging the wall just around a corner and when my wife comes around said corner she practically runs into my giant Irish melon. This inevitably causes a howl.

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But my wife probably has the best method. She will stand in the tub, with the shower curtain drawn, and because the curtain is always drawn I suspect nothing. I stroll into the bathroom, usually singing a song that’s nonsense but written (music and lyrics) by yours truly. As I get ready to do my business, my wife whips the curtain open, yells, and lunges at me.

BITCH ON TOAST!

I stumble back and usually fall on the floor, scrambling backwards as I make the sound I suspect I will make at the moment of my death: “UUUUUUH” (this really doesn’t do it justice). And once my body realizes that today is not the day I will die, my wife and I both laugh like maniacal children who have just discovered the joys of setting fires. And it is at times like these I could not love my wife more and feel like the luckiest man in the world.

If I’m found dead in my bathroom, with my pants down, covered in my own urine, and a stricken look upon my face, please know I died doing what I love: having the piss scared out of me. Literally.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

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Categories: Humour

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25 replies

  1. Ha! You guys are brave. I told my hubs he had to quit scaring me (he used to excel at it), because I’m worried one of these days my heart will suffer an arrhythmia and I’ll be a thing of the past. Of course, maybe that’s his goal. Mwahahaha.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. How fun is that? I do that to my kids…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You two are fabulously demented! Happy Halloween.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. That’s awesome.

    Coincidentally, I just watched a certain character die on the privy.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. John, I hope you guys live long enough to be married so many decades that you get one of those interviews from some reporter who asks you what the secret is to a long and happy marriage…your story will be told around the world and forever more.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I love EVERYTHING about this. EVERYTHING.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. And this, this is true love.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. That’s very funny! My brothers and I do that to each other all the time. I do the bathroom thing too, and once I open the curtain a little bit late and got sprayed by my brother’s pee……,

    Liked by 2 people

  9. LOL “both laugh like maniacal children who have just discovered the joys of setting fires.” Awesome.

    He and I get mad at each other – and our son – when we’re scared lol. Sucks feeling your heart shoot out of your body!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I see you’ve written your own obituary! ; ) My husband chases me around with dead rats!

    Liked by 1 person

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