So Tuesday my wife and I were feeling adventurous in the realm of TV land and we decided to watch a bit of Lifetime Network. It rarely disappoints, and Tuesday was no exception. True Tori is a reality show starring bobble-headed Tori Spelling and her favourite whipping boy and husband, Dean McDermott. I know, I know, this is garbage, but sometimes, instead of a salad, I want a McDonalds, and taken in moderation neither will harm me permanently–although both make my stomach a little queasy after a binge.
The couple had four kids in rapid succession, and now they have a houseful of little ones and a passel of dogs, all of whom at one time or another seem to take a shit on the floor. The premise of the show is that Dean cheated on Tori while he was filming Chopped Canada in Toronto. And he did drugs and drank–basically a Wednesday afternoon for Rob Ford. So the show is one long indictment of Dean by Tori. He has a permanent hangdog look on his face, and Tori screams hysterically and goes in and out of the hospital because she is MENTAL.
Dean spent both episodes we watched looking bloated, exhausted, and exasperated. Tori screams at him to nurture her. He tries to nurture her by buying her stuff, making her supper and serving her by candlelight, feeding her, combing her hair, and neglecting the four real children who run around the house and soon, I fear, may become more doggy than human and will form a pack who hunt at night and sleep all day. Nothing Dean does will ever satisfy this sad collection of tendons and hair, and both my wife and I question if this is not staged, a performance rooted in fiction as an attempt to remain on television.
One particular scene which had us aghast was during the therapy sessions (yes, they film the therapy sessions) where Dean explains the motivation for his infidelity: Tori did not have sex with Dean the night before he left L.A. to go to Toronto. At this Tori explodes and screams at Dean that in the couple of weeks before he left she visited a sex shop, and allowed Dean to do things to her that she did NOT enjoy. Translation: bum sex. Mama Mia! And cut. Okay, that’s a wrap, people.
Lessons from the show:
Disney made Tori sad because her life did not turn out like a fairy tale. And she wanted a goddamn fairy tale!
You will look silly if you have a sleeve of tattoos and a beard and are spending most of the day, every day, begging someone to forgive you, and telling your man friends, “I love you, bro.”
If you have too much money and too much time, you can pack a whole lot of fighting into a single day.
If your marriage is based on romantic gestures and not much else, you are fucked.
If this show is fiction sold as reality (which it just may be), then these two crazy kids are BRILLIANT. I don’t know if I’ll watch any more episodes, but the load of candy I filled my eyes with Tuesday night was fun.